"I Tripped!" & Other Flower Girl Stories

In December, Gracie was asked to be a flower girl in Ricky's and Andrea's wedding. She was very excited to say the least. This is of course expected. Afterall, what 4 year old doesn't want to dress up in a pretty princess dress. She was also very serious about the whole prospect.

"What if I mess up Mommy? Andrea can't walk down the aisle without petals. Then, Ricky can't marry her...Oh no, Mommy! This is serious."

And so it went for 6 MONTHS! First, she worried about the arrival of the dress. If it came in the mail how would the postman keep it clean? I can't wear a dirty dress! Was the dress going to fit? What if it was too big? How do I drop the petals? Do I count them? Where do I stand when I am at the front? Will Becca be there? Is Andrea going to really KISS Ricky, because boys are gross and she should only kiss her daddy. Is Andrea a princess or a queen? Can I stand next to Becca? I need to practice. You be Becca and I'll be me. I going to practice. You be Andrea and I'll be me. I going to practice. Lilly, you be Becca. Stay at the front Lilly! You not supposed to move! I going to practice! I need music!

On and on it went. I would find her outside stripping the flowers around our yard of their petals and putting them in her princess hat that would hold by its ribbon and use as a basket. After asking her to slow down on the petal usage I found clothesline clips scattered in a perfect pattern in a long row.

"Why are there clips all over the back yard?" I would ask.

"Mommy, I practicing! You said not to pick the flowers."

We went back to flowers. Yes, this was serious. She wanted to do her very best. I stacked the odds against her. We traveled an immense amount the week before traveling from Grenada to Miami to Idaho and then Asheville in less than 5 days. Little sleep, anxiety, etc. The recipe was perfect for a complete 4 year-old meltdown. By the time we arrived in Asheville it was only 3 days until the wedding and we needed to get the dress fitted and altered (she is seriously a skinny one), find shoes, hair stuff and prepare for the weekend of church, practice, pictures, wedding and such. We slept late, drank Barocca, ate a lot of fresh food to stay off the bug that was threatening. Practice went great. I must hand it to Ricky and Andrea because it was one of the shortest practices in which I have been a part. The wedding day arrived.

She was up early and very calm. It was as if she had worked off all her anxiety for 6 months and the day was here and she was excited and calm and in control. After getting all ready, pictures we taken at a local beautiful arboretum. After snacks and touch ups, the wedding party lined up and Graceanna stood quite confident in line. I had cameras and video camera ready. Then, I stood their with my video camera on record as she stepped confidently and gracefully through the doors. It was a strange thing for me. This wasn't her day. She was just the flower girl and what hit me in that moment had less to do with the event and more to do with where she came from and where and who she was now...in this moment. I thought about this frightened grieving baby girl that clung to me to this energetic, "I can do anything" little girl that was walking down the aisle not needing me to hold her. She is a miracle to me. I put down the video camera and camera because I wanted to take in this moment and be present. It is hard to do that through a camera lens. She made it to the front having scattered her flowers in a very organized fashion picked up the skirt of her dress to mount the steps when she tripped on the edge of the hem and fell to the floor. I know my daughter and I know embarrassment and failure are among her ghosts. I wanted to run and pick her up. Rick, the handsome groom, stepped forward and whispered to her telling her it was okay. She looked at him and he took her hand and helped her up and she stood just as tall and graceful as could and walked to her spot on the platform with not a tear on her cheek. I could see her disappointment, but she looked so grown up as she listened to Erin the minister and to Becca as she sang and as she bowed her head during the prayer. I watched this whole thing with a rush of emotion. Here was my student getting married and starting his career and own family. Here was my daughter no longer a baby, but an amazing little girl.

The minister began the prayer and Gracie bowed her head and closed her eyes. The minister finished the prayer and Gracie's eyes remained closed. The minister finished speaking and announced that Ricky may kiss his bride and Gracie's eyes were still closed. I began to think she had fallen asleep. But once the kiss brought wedding guests to applause Gracie opened her eyes in shock. I am sure she was wondering why people would clap and holler during prayer.

I met her at the doors to the church as she finished walking down the aisle. She eagerly gave me a hug and then informed me that she "made mistake and tripped."

"Ricky is so nice, Mommy. He said it was okay."
Since that day, when she shares her exciting story she never fails to emphasize Ricky's kindness in helping her. And for her mom, it was more than just helping her up it was letting her know that it really was okay. How I want her to learn that mistakes and oopses happen and that it really is okay. In the end, I managed to beg some pictures off of others and find that I had not recorded even a second of the wedding. Oh well! Mistakes happen. And it is okay.

It was a very special day...for the two beautiful people who are starting a life together and for those who were there to witness and participate in their special day. That is the beauty of these special occasions. We are so often surprised to find that we are inspired in some way by the important moment we witness.

After the newlyweds drove away to start their new life Gracie bug and I jumped into the van and drove straight for Toys R Us to spend her gift card from Andrea, the bride. She wanted a Barbie bride. She settled on a princess. (Mommy is not ready for Barbies). Walking the aisles in her pretty dress she was nearly dancing with joy.



Falling asleep with her princess doll tucked in beside her, she dreamily whispered, "I wonder what we will do next, Mommy."
"Me, too, baby bug. Me, too."

Remembering My Sister Sara

Sara Graceanna is named in memory of my sister Sara who left this life before she could hold her long awaited niece. How happy she would be to know her and laugh and play with her. I know they would've been quite a pair. Although they are certainly two very different people, they share more than just a name. Gracie has that same joy for life that poured out of Sara and affected everyone around her. She has a sense of adventure and determination to conquer whatever crosses her path much like Sara. I always admired these traits in my sister. And, she like Sara is a bit on the dramatic side. Ask my husband and he thinks this is a trait that all the ladies in my family enjoy.

Two days ago Sara would've turned 30 and we would've celebrated in grand measure, but that day we remembered her for the beautiful life she led and the amazing person she was. I will always have a sadness that my little Sara Graceanna will not know her Auntie Sara here on this earth, but I look forward to that moment they will meet.

For now, I share as much as I can about my little sister with my daughter and she already loves her. July 8th is a rainy day. As we drive to the cemetary to take a fresh bouquet of daisies and roses, Gracie sits quietly in the back seat holding the flowers and pensively staring out her window.
I ask her what she is thinking about.
"I just thinking about Auntie Sara. I miss her. I wish I could see her....Do you miss her, Mommy?"
"Very much, love, very much."
"Let's go to heaven and see her...I think we should go be with her."
I don't know what to say except that we will someday.
"I am sad she is not here, Mommy."
I choke back tears as we near the hill where Nathaniel and Sara rest. We climb out of the car and she asks questions about death and heaven and all the tough ones that are hard to explain. We do our usual routine and Gracie places the fresh flowers in the vase. We hold hands and pray to end our little time on the hill.

The rain returns just as we turn and walk back to the car. We arrive home in a short trip that seems like an eternity of questions trying to understand something adults rarely come to grips with. Then, we are home. We talk about Aunt Sara's laugh, her smile, the way she danced when she walked and I look into the eyes of my daughter who genuinely wants to know all she can about the Aunt she has never met. And me, I just try my best to share all the wonderful details with her and my heart is grateful, grateful that my daughter longs to know my sister and that those sparkling eyes that my sister Sara looked up at me with as I shared something she longed to know are so much like the inquisitive sparkling eyes that are looking at me now. What a little gift this moment is. I feel so close to my sister this day, unexpectedly through the eyes of my daughter.

Worldless Wednesday

A Very Young Pilot

Two Cheers for Alaska Airlines!

One Little Moment

It has been too long since I posted. We have been traveling around the states since our return from the islands. Graceanna was a flower girl in a former student's wedding so we camehome for the wedding leaving Matt to finish his 4th term. It has been a time together, but also hard. We spent a few days in Idaho visiting with my grandfather who is in a assisted living facility and not doing well. He struggles to breath and to interact with those around him. It is only a matter of time now. I tried to prepare my 4 year old as best I could, hoping she wouldn't be scared or say something as 4 year olds do. We were walking with Grandpa around the facility and he was struggling to move his legs with the motion of his wheel chair and we stopped in the middle of a hallway. He looked overwhelmed and weak. Gracie came up to him and took his fragile motionless hand and said, "it is okay, Grandpa. I will hold your hand and will we do it together...then we will both be winners..." He looked up at her and gave her this tender smile and we continued slowly down the hall to the outdoor garden. It was just this small ordinary moment and with her simple little words she made it so much more....Before we left for North Carolina, we made one last visit and I knew this would be my last time with my grandfather who had been so much to me and I whispered into his ear and hoped he could hear as he was in his bed and because of lack of oxygen very weak and unresponsive. I wanted to say goodbye and let him know how much I loved him. I imagine it could be frightening for a little one and I could see a little uncertainty in Gracie's face as she looked at him in the bed, but after I explained things as best I could, she climbed unto the bed and bent down and kissed his cheek saying goodnight and "Love you, Grandpa!"

Graceanna has a tender and patient heart and how grateful I am everyday of the little gift I have been given. She is beauty to me...in every possible way...